PAY YOUR BEARS
Seeing a bunch of wonderful wild japanese bears on the TV
show 'You asked for it' many years ago changed my life.
They were very well trained. They did amazing tricks: for
example, cleaning up the stage when their act was over.
After the performance the show host Chuck asked the trainer,
'Are they tame?'
'Oh, no,' he said. 'If you went in there they would tear you
to pieces.'
'Then how do you get them to behave like that?'
'Not with punishment. Shocks and whips and all that, that's
all old hat. We have a much better technique now. We just
pay them.'
'Well if you can't go in the cage, how can you keep them
healthy?
Chuck asked.
'Oh,' said the trainer, 'we just weigh them.'
'If they're dangerous, how do you do that?'
'Oh, they weigh themselves. We pay them to do it.'
........................................................
Shortly after that amazing show I found myself taking 43
Frenchmen around America. As a courier for a US travel firm
I took groups from town to town, interpeted for them, and
played eighteen-hour mother and father hen to a lot of lost
Gallic chicks.
Most couriers weren't very fond of French groups. It was
impossible to get Frenchmen back on the bus on time. They
were the worst when it came to keeping buses (and couriers)
waiting.
I put the trainer's advice to work immediately. Instead of
growling at my herd when they came back late, I paid no
attention to their outrageous return times. I ignored this
rudeness completely, smiling happily and greeting them warmly
no matter how long it took them to get back. I even had some
of my group urging me to complain to the late-comers, but I
didn't. That was old hat.
On the second day, after our third stop I grabbed the mike
and thanked my passengers profusely for being back so much
sooner than usual! This made my job so much more pleasant,
so much easier, I was so grateful!
Later, one of the tardy passengers said to me, as if accusing
me, 'I know what you're doing!' but like the rest of my
charges he was very pleased to be thanked and appreciated so
much over such a little thing and started coming back earlier
to the bus.
After few sessions of 'Thank you for being even less late
this time,' they were all on time, not just on time, but even
in their seats ready to go.
I had seen it working with the bears, but even I was
astonished how well the technique worked with Frenchmen.
......................
I'm convinced that this wonderful technique can help anyone
raise wonderful, even amazing kids. Apply it and you'll soon
have kids who behave, not because they're afraid of you, or
anyone else, but because they get paid for it.
Paid in love, respect, thanks, hugs, cash at times, clothes,
toys, but above all by being noticed and respected most when
they're being nice.
"Hey, you're rooms not so messy today. Hey, thanks! That's
quite an improvement. I'll take you to the movies tonight!'
"Hey look, this time it only took you a few minutes to get
dressed.
Wow! I like that. Thanks."
Who knows, if one day you hear people saying to you, "You're
kids are absolutely wonderful' or 'That child of yours is
absolutely amazing' maybe it could be thanks to those
beautiful, talented, hard-working, healthy and happy (but
still wild) bears I saw that fateful day on 'You Asked for
It.'
To Chuck, and to the people who produced that terrific show,
those behind the camera at 'You Asked for It', I send belated
but profound thanks. In a very direct way you helped my
kids, my wife, and myself.
To that talented bear trainer, wherever he may be, my special
thanks for a great lesson.
POINT OUT THE ALTERNATIVES
Sometimes it's sufficient to show a kid an alternate path
instead of trying to force him to change.
One summer I lived on a little island off the coast of
Canada. There were only a few dozen families on the entire
island, so one soon got to know all the neighbors. One of
the families had a kid named Chris ... "What a monster!"
said the neighbors.
Chris was a little blonde kid, not even five years old, who
had a nasty habit of punching adults in the stomach as they
walked in the door. A little kid can pack quite a punch:
lots of the islanders would no longer go near his door.
Neigbors thought that Chris was "weird". In one sense they
were right, he had a weird way of saying hello. But those
who thought he needed a psychiatrist were wrong. All he
needed was to see the alternatives.
"Look, Chris," I said to him, "I notice you go around
punching people in the stomach. Now, my theory is, you're
doing that just to get a little attention. I can't prove it,
but that's my theory."
Chris said nothing.
I said, "Now, what I'd like to suggest is this. Next time a
stranger comes in the door, wait until he or she sits down.
Then, instead of punching the person, kiss him. Give him a
kiss. Or her. People like that much better than getting
punched in the stomach. They'll pay just as much attention
to you, but they'll like you even more. They'll probably
even kiss you back."
Chris gave me a funny look out of the corner of his eye that
said, "Sounds weird to me!" However, he took my advice and
gave up punching people. It was fun watching people's
astonishment when he quietly slid up onto their laps and gave
them a kiss.
Wealthy parents with a kid like Chris might have spent a
fortune having him worked on by a psychiatrist. Sure! But
what he needed was just a wider perspective.
If when a kid acts weird, try pointing out an alternative (or
two) before you start trying to beat some sense into them.
Kids don't have the whole picture. They haven't had time to
acquire it. They depend on you for that.
Communication
Take a Tip from Whitehead
The 20th-century British philosopher Alfred Whitehead claimed
that the only sentences which start with 'If' and contain
'then' have any real meaning.
If you say, 'I love you,' what does that mean? Everything
and nothing. But if you say, 'If you get sick then I will
make you chicken soup,' there's meaning there. You can bank
on it, predict with it, you really know something. So says
the Oxford dean.
Whitehead's tip is invaluable for parents. For example, one
night we were expecting guests. Taking a tip from Whitehead
I told Laure, 'You're going to get to stay up tonight,
because Peter's coming, but IF you start whining at the table
or acting too silly THEN you'll go right to bed."
Peter came, Laure had a good time with us, then, eventually,
started getting whiny. I leaned over and asked very quietly,
'What happens if you start whining now, Laure?'
'I go right to bed,' she replied cheerfully, and didn't whine
again for the rest of the evening.
The IF...THEN combination is effective even with very young
children.
Whitehead claimed that it is the ONLY way to really
communicate, whatever the age.
This two-word combo is also quite effective with adults. I
often use it when in a jam. For example, during a trip in
Texas I bought a camera, then found out it didn't work.
When I returned to the shop, I noticed huge 'NO REFUNDS'
signs all over the walls. "No refunds," said the man who had
sold me the Nikon an hour earlier.
'Okay,' I said, 'but I promised my girlfriend a camera for
the trip... one that works. IF I don't get a refund, THEN no
camera THEN I'm going to be sleeping alone all the way to
California. I'm sure you see the problem.'
"Here's your money," he said, and counted it over.
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